I miss slow dancing.

I remember my first slow dance ever in the sixth grade. Eliza and I held each other. We turned, we whirled—we got lost in each other’s gaze as time stood still and our eyes clashed in this streaming river of melodic revolving. We were young, we were silly, we were green with love, we were slow dancing…

I think Eleanor Roosevelt put it best when she said, “Slow dancing is the easiest, most awesomest thing ever.” The beauty of the slow dance was really the fact that you didn’t need an ounce of dancing ability to be proficient. When House of Pain’s “Jump Around” hit the track I could barely find the right beat to hop up and down to seem just remotely awkward in my movements, but once the DJ threw on the K.C. & Jojo (the quintessential slow dance song of my era) I was in my element. I was the regular prepubescent Casanova—teenage girls flocked to me and by teenage girls I mean girl friends of teenage girls flocked to me to ask me to dance with their teenage girl friends (of course).

The beat smoothed out; I just slyly shifted my arms into place and started swaying. Obviously, the classic slow dance was basic and any hormonal teenage boy could perform adequately but like any well honed skill there were tricks to the trade. I’ll admit Eliza and I enjoyed the classic full length arms dividing canyon between us as did Elizabeth, Lisa, and Mariko. But by the time Pam, Lily, and Jacqui rolled around my techniques were redefining the very dance genre I entertained. Believe me; I had a mishap here and there, a social faux pas every now and then you could say. A girl-hair in my mouth, a step on her foot–they were natural casualties of the Middle School dance war but over time I cultivated an art.

I introduced variations to the long beloved pre-teen pastime. I started with the hands. Moving away from the prehistoric hand-waist relationship I utilized a multi-position single song system with a softer Waltz-like frame cradle that allowed for a more free upper body variance. I pioneered the one handed open face mixer that invited open interaction with other couples as a short sabbatical to the single slow dance adventure. I even showcased the multiple partner slow dance circle that shined through with its delicate inclusion undertow to lure multiple shy female on-lookers into the Slow Dancing culture.

However, I am afraid to admit that Slow Dancing is a dieing language of love. Sure there were even shining moments through the later post-junior-high years. A memorable Winter Ball filled with carefully practiced slow dancing turns, releases, and retrievals but as time slides by it seems that the Slow Dance is becoming just a fleeting fad of yesterday.

It epitomized everything that was the awkward, the childish, the innocent, the eager, and in more ways than one I hope I can always keep that with me. Listening to John Legend’s “Slow Dance” as I write gives me hope that maybe someday the Slow Dance will return to my generation. But until then as Slow Dance opportunities continue to dwindle I’ll have to settle for revisiting those unrivaled, time-stopping, juvenile world-changing, 3 minute 38 second budding manifestations of adolescent flirtation in the music of my memories.

gI’m a professional nap-per.

I think people really do underestimate the power of a good nap. And in all honesty, I believe naps get way too much bad publicity that should be attributed to improper napping technique. Hey, if I had a nickel for every time someone came up to me complaining that they napped for too long and they missed their class and they just woke up more tired than before and they’re dog died I’d be able to purchase the African nation of Malawi.

Napping is an art. Napping is not like sleeping. Napping is like sex.

It takes practice, you are never amazing the first time, and you may find yourself embarrassed in public. But if you suddenly open your eyes after a mid day siesta to a crowd of people and 5 minutes later find out that you had unknowingly produced intricate drool stains leading from your cheeks to your right shoulder blade there is always hope.

To be honest, when you get to be my age you learn a thing or two, and when it comes to napping you have the opportunity today to learn from the best. The core emphases of a good nap can be summed up in a simple yet effective 3 letter acronym.

P.U.A.

This 3 step process to unconditional napping success stands for Posture, Usage, and Alarm. P.U.A. (Pooh-uh)

Posture is key. The wrong napping position, especially in the wrong location can be disastrous. Truly, the secret to correct napping posture is mobility of equipment. Don’t nap without head and neck support, would you go shark hunting without a harpoon? If you have time to prepare, stuff an unnecessary clothing piece into your bag of choice to soften up your makeshift chubby Tempur-pedic bag-pillow (TBP). Removal of shoes is optional. If class-napping is your cup of tea, adopt the in-class Akimbo arm brace position. Cross your arms and place your left hand under your right elbow while resting against the desk to create an air pocket to allow for proper ventilation. Additionally, this allows for emergency post-nap cleanup tactics. If you seem to unwittingly produce a saliva pool gently slide your full Akimbo arm arch back towards your torso to mask the mess.

There reached a point last semester when I enjoyed 3 to 4 naps a day. I employed the spectrum of naps, long naps, short naps, deep naps, shallow naps, naps on couches, naps on concrete benches, and if you speak to any expert nap-per they’ll tell you that to stay ahead of the game you have to stock up your arsenal. Some key naps to perfect for adaptive usage are:

1) The Gonzalez ™:

A full on classic power nap, this shouldn’t last more than 14 minutes–perfect for post-breakfast, pre-class, lame-night-of-sleep catch-up. The rejuvenation should last about 2 hours, but with a pre-nap cup of coffee it’ll last you twice as long.

2) The Trifecta:

The Trifecta represents the triple threat of a three course meal: appetizer, dinner and dessert. Really it’s reserved for a 3 hour midday break and requires a designated sleeping receptacle (i.e. BED: Body Engulfing Device). Take the time to prepare for sleep including the removal of pants and uncomfortable jewelry, proceed to a speedy yet gentle entrance into medium-level sleep depth (generally a pillow on the face as well as under the head will do the trick), and budget time for a comfortable awakening.

3) The Midnight-Werewolf-Sack-Attack (MWSA):

This is a personal favorite. Late night sleepy symptoms prior to or during a long night of work are the worst. For the MWSA, shoot the moon for about 25 minutes at the midnight hour or even early AM’s on a couch under low light to prevent over-sleeping and to keep the ball rolling for a couple necessary working hours.

Last but not least is the Alarm. This isn’t your 4^th grade roller rink birthday party. This is napping. This is serious. The alarm serves as quite possibly the most integral puzzle piece to completing the intricate enigma that is a successful nap. Most preferably a mobile alarm such as a cell-phone is ideal. For the Gonzalez and other quick draw battery chargers switch the alarm to vibrate and hold it in your hand for a comfortable yet effective immediate wakeup. For longer stays slide a sound alarm under your pillow to guarantee effective time-keeping.

Napping is beautiful. Napping is bold. Napping is dangerous. Napping is like a vicious untamed pet or whirlwind storm, if you don’t harness it correctly the consequences can be tragic but if done right, the rewards are immeasurable. I’ve provided you with the best advice I could mister and given you the tools to live by the 3 fold path, P.U.A. (Pooh-uh): Posture, Usage, and Alarm. Embrace napping. Nap to live. Live to nap.

I need to go now; I’m going to go take a nap to get ready for bed.